O'ville Penguins

Our father (the upstanding gentleman that he is) told us a joke that he heard once:
An elderly man is sitting in a food court at the mall when I teenager walks by with a multi-coloured mohawk. There is not a lot of this in the old man's social circles and he finds it fascinating. As he continues to stare, eventually the youth turns to him and says, "Whats wrong old man? You never did anything crazy in your life?"
The gentleman doesn't miss a beat and says, "Yeah...got drunk once and fucked a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son..."

There is a guy that can sometimes be seen roaming about town, a local Orangevillian, that Maman and Daddy determined, after some discussion, must have been a product of a human and penguin interaction (it was also determined that the human involved here was our neighbour D but that is neither here nor there).

It is difficult to gauge the age of the Penguin because he travels around with his skateboard but also has a severely receding hairline. Best guess has him at early 20's which would mean D's encounter at the zoo occurred when he was in his 40's (completely reasonable since most studies place the main age group for these types of events as 33-46).

As he is a skateboarder, he also wears his pants just above his knees thereby causing him to waddle when walking down the street (and giving him his name).

HAZARDS OF SAGGY PANTS

Other consequences that are being attributed to the saggy pants:
-being a D-Bag and skateboarding across the street, against the light as soon as there is a small break in traffic (thereby leaving the girl you were with on the other side and you having to stand with your skateboard and wait for her, looking like a dick)
-the ridiculousness of retrieving your cell phone from your back pocket (which is, of course, down near your calf)...the back problems that you will have later in life from reaching down there constantly...

Now, as you know, the penguins that roam around Orangeville in the summertime are somewhat elusive and so video footage of him has been somewhat difficult to gather(as we don't carry video cameras with us and just got our nifty new phones recently). But rest assured, there will be an update to this post as soon as footage is obtained this summer :)

P.S. please note that our penguin does also walk around with his arms out and back like regular penguins do...

Les Bonhomme Souriants

So things have gone too far. I have decided to write this in the same style that my mother uses in order to prove my point :). Since I am the bigger sister I feel that it is my duty to speak up and stop the madness :) :). For those that haven't noticed, Maman tends to get a bit carried away with the smiley face emoticons :) :) :). Now I appreciate the lack of tone that goes along with typing a message and Maman's desire to add some cheerfulness to her writing but I think that there may be a point when it is considered too much :) :) :) :).
Maman is about two time zones past that point :) :) :).

I submit to you as evidence:

1) Daddy says that it has gotten to the point in his classroom where the students can tell which tests and handouts were designed by her (and then swiped by him for use in all future applicable classes). His students have begun mocking him and telling him that if he is going to use these handouts, he should put something that more suits him :(
Daddy says his students are jerks.

2) Please review our penchant for examining our own feces. Now I have long since outgrown this type of behaviour but my sister is another matter. The other day, while staring at the load she just deposited in the toilet, she proclaimed that she could see a smiley face in her poo...
Is this what we've come to? Since we can't go outside because of the weather, we are unable to look for pictures in the clouds so we use the next best thing? (And despite me being the more mature sister, I did go to verify the claims but could see nothing of the sort...she tried to convince me that a piece of corn was the nose...disturbing)

Maman, if you are reading this, I hope you can reflect on the part you have played in this whole scenario...things have gone too far :) :) :) :) :) :)

Landmarks and Sore Bums

To start, you need some background:

First of all, my sister has had some digestive issues lately. She tends to 'hold it in' until she is completely backed up and then it hurts to go. Maman is working this issue out with mineral oil but the last time she had this problem, it was extremely painful for her.

Secondly, Maman has taught us how to notice when we are close to home. We are almost always coming from the south so there are certain things we are supposed to look for to know that we are almost back to the O'ville.

First up is the big blue bridge that runs across Hwy 10 in Caledon.

My sister and I both get a kick out of driving under bridges right now so we are quite excited to see the "Pond Bleu".

Next up, we see the 'big flower'. We aren't sure why there is a large flower just sitting at an intersection but it's huge and it's a flower so we love it.

Then comes Daddy's favourite restaurant.

Yes, it is strange but the cafeteria in the hospital makes great food...you should go there, regularly.

Then comes the éolienne (seems to be a wind turbine). It is very thrilling for us to see whether or not the éolienne is spinning (and we have not yet developed an opinion as to whether or not this joyful event for us causes health problems for the people who live next to it).
Our final sign that we are close is the huge Canadian flag...
And that is the end of the background info.
Now on a recent trip home, my sister decided to employ the figure of speech known as a "simile". The conversation took place in French so the translation is in brackets.

Me: L'éolienne tourne!! (The turbine is spinning!!)
Daddy: Oui (Yes, it is)
Maman: Qui peut voir le drapeau de Canada? (Who sees the Canadian flag?)
My sis: Regarde le grand drapeau de Canada...C'est grand comme le caca d'Emma...
(Look at the Canadian flag...it's as big as Emma's poo...)

There was a second of silence in the car.
My mouth dropped open...I mean, who uses simile's so frequently and with such vulgarity?
Daddy turned around in shock (which was probably not advisable since he was driving but what can you do after a statement like that).
Maman froze...at first...then she burst out laughing.
Daddy continued to drive while looking back at my sister, and continued to drive that way until we got home.
My sister just kept looking out the window...again unaware of the rukus that she caused.

I'm sure hoping she learns some social graces in the next couple years, because you can only get away with saying that type of thing for a couple more years...

The Neighbouriest Neighbour (part 2)

Daddy says that he has a great appreciation for chivalry. He says that, despite the fact that "modern notions" are using feminism as an excuse to treat everyone the same, that doesn't mean we should treat everyone poorly. He is sad that he sees so few displays of honour and chivalry any more.

And then he comes home from work and the neighbour has shoveled his driveway for him. We can tell just by looking at him that this urks him a bit. His sense of what a 'real man' should do in this world doesn't include "have the elderly shovel your driveway".

Did you know that 1200 people die every year from shoveling snow? And they recommend that people 50 and over try not to shovel at all...as opposed to people being 60, finishing their own driveway and moving on to the driveway of the perfectly able-bodied man next door.

Of course, since this is our man D, nothing will be said to him for fear that D will snap and go on, what will be referred to in the news reports as, a "spree".

So the neighbour in his 60's will continue to do the shoveling around here and Daddy will continue to open doors for other people in an effort to make up for the fact that the old man next door keeps doing his job.

You Just Wait 'Till Your Mother Gets Home

Daddy is normally a pretty cool guy. It's not often we see any rise of emotion from him but the other day, he lost his composure a bit. You could see his eyes narrow and his face flush a bit...it was kinda funny, to be honest with you.

Maman had gone to the grocery store for a bit and we were seated at the table with Daddy. We were just finishing our lunch when noticed that I could hear Baron cleaning his paws on the couch. I thought he was licking our couch and was appalled by his nerve.

Me: Baron lèche le divan (pointing at the infraction)
Daddy: Non, il lèche son jambe
3dub: SA jambe

Well right away I knew something was wrong. Daddy slowly turned to look at my sister and stoped chewing. Tumbleweed rolled across the table. Somebody far away started whistling a slow ballad.
Daddy's eyes narrowed.
My sister sat there with food on her face and played with her spoon like nothing was going on.

Daddy slowly looked down at his food and was mumbling something about:

"mumble, mumble, how dare she, mumble, mumble, not even 2 and a half, mumble, mumble, correct her father, mumble, mumble, wait till mom gets home, mumble, mumble, mumble, she'll tell us whose right, mumble, mumble, lost my appetite, mumble, mumble."

Leg in French


At this point Daddy got up and took his dishes into the kitchen.
My sister continued eating, oblivious to Daddy's change in mood.

And the shocker was that neither one of them cared that the damn dog was still licking my couch!!

On Ne Touche Pas Le Penis

We have noticed something as of late. Daddy doesn't quite look the same as us. At first we questioned Maman about the odd appearance of Daddy's vagina. Her response was shocking to say the least...it wasn't a vagina at all.

Now we're not completely sure whether or not Daddy is aware of his...issue. We try to discuss it with him...to begin a dialogue so to speak(we do this usually once a day, sometimes twice). He just seems to brush it off as if it's no big deal and he does not want to deal with it. Our daily brief conversation usually goes something like this:

Us: Daddy a un penis
Daddy: Oui

WHAT KIND OF RESPONSE IS THAT??! If I came out and told you that, "by the way, you're different than everyone else" (that we've ever seen), would your response be, "yeah"?

He must be in denial.
That would also explain his reaction when we first became aware of his deformity.

Us: Daddy a un penis
D: Oui
Us: Vois?
D: No
Us: Touche?
D: No

He wasn't even willing to let us confirm what we saw...definitely denial.

So now it has been impressed on us that this "no touching" rule is actually "written in stone". Daddy took his chisel outside and came back holding a rock with "On ne touche pas le penis" carved into it. He says he is going to mount it in our room and the rule applies until we are 25...WTF???

We definitely need to get Daddy some help.

Marriage Tip Number 95...Debunked

While flipping through some of our favourite flyers looking for deals, we came across this ad:


Now, I don't know about you but Barbie better never complain about a damn thing with a hottie like that around (although we thought he should be mildly insulted that he was on for BOGO half price). Now we understand that, when we eventually get into a serious relationship, one of our big rules is: "Don't try to change him" (I mean, it's even marriage tip number 95 HERE...and this apparently mostly applies if you're married to a 1960's aviator??).

My sister and I have discussed it at length and we have decided that Barbie has disproved this little piece of wisdom. We think that "Don't try to change him" is bunk (pardon the strong language). Witness:


This is Ken from 1961 (we know that some of you are judging the author for doing so much research into Ken and we have been told that the author is not ashamed).
In a mere 50 years, Barbie has managed to take this hillbilly (who comes with a shotgun) and turn him into the babe-magnet you see above. We submit to you that there is only one way that Barbie could have accomplished this. A systematic breaking down of his psyche through nagging, subliminal messages during his sleep (as well as possibly some physical torture) and then re-building his mind the way she wanted it...we applaud you Barbie. We hope to follow in your footsteps. Now, the only issue is:





If they guy is going to look the way he does now, we feel that he deserves genitals at this point...I mean, why look and dress like that with no pay off?