Landmarks and Sore Bums

To start, you need some background:

First of all, my sister has had some digestive issues lately. She tends to 'hold it in' until she is completely backed up and then it hurts to go. Maman is working this issue out with mineral oil but the last time she had this problem, it was extremely painful for her.

Secondly, Maman has taught us how to notice when we are close to home. We are almost always coming from the south so there are certain things we are supposed to look for to know that we are almost back to the O'ville.

First up is the big blue bridge that runs across Hwy 10 in Caledon.

My sister and I both get a kick out of driving under bridges right now so we are quite excited to see the "Pond Bleu".

Next up, we see the 'big flower'. We aren't sure why there is a large flower just sitting at an intersection but it's huge and it's a flower so we love it.

Then comes Daddy's favourite restaurant.

Yes, it is strange but the cafeteria in the hospital makes great food...you should go there, regularly.

Then comes the éolienne (seems to be a wind turbine). It is very thrilling for us to see whether or not the éolienne is spinning (and we have not yet developed an opinion as to whether or not this joyful event for us causes health problems for the people who live next to it).
Our final sign that we are close is the huge Canadian flag...
And that is the end of the background info.
Now on a recent trip home, my sister decided to employ the figure of speech known as a "simile". The conversation took place in French so the translation is in brackets.

Me: L'éolienne tourne!! (The turbine is spinning!!)
Daddy: Oui (Yes, it is)
Maman: Qui peut voir le drapeau de Canada? (Who sees the Canadian flag?)
My sis: Regarde le grand drapeau de Canada...C'est grand comme le caca d'Emma...
(Look at the Canadian flag...it's as big as Emma's poo...)

There was a second of silence in the car.
My mouth dropped open...I mean, who uses simile's so frequently and with such vulgarity?
Daddy turned around in shock (which was probably not advisable since he was driving but what can you do after a statement like that).
Maman froze...at first...then she burst out laughing.
Daddy continued to drive while looking back at my sister, and continued to drive that way until we got home.
My sister just kept looking out the window...again unaware of the rukus that she caused.

I'm sure hoping she learns some social graces in the next couple years, because you can only get away with saying that type of thing for a couple more years...

The Neighbouriest Neighbour (part 2)

Daddy says that he has a great appreciation for chivalry. He says that, despite the fact that "modern notions" are using feminism as an excuse to treat everyone the same, that doesn't mean we should treat everyone poorly. He is sad that he sees so few displays of honour and chivalry any more.

And then he comes home from work and the neighbour has shoveled his driveway for him. We can tell just by looking at him that this urks him a bit. His sense of what a 'real man' should do in this world doesn't include "have the elderly shovel your driveway".

Did you know that 1200 people die every year from shoveling snow? And they recommend that people 50 and over try not to shovel at all...as opposed to people being 60, finishing their own driveway and moving on to the driveway of the perfectly able-bodied man next door.

Of course, since this is our man D, nothing will be said to him for fear that D will snap and go on, what will be referred to in the news reports as, a "spree".

So the neighbour in his 60's will continue to do the shoveling around here and Daddy will continue to open doors for other people in an effort to make up for the fact that the old man next door keeps doing his job.

You Just Wait 'Till Your Mother Gets Home

Daddy is normally a pretty cool guy. It's not often we see any rise of emotion from him but the other day, he lost his composure a bit. You could see his eyes narrow and his face flush a bit...it was kinda funny, to be honest with you.

Maman had gone to the grocery store for a bit and we were seated at the table with Daddy. We were just finishing our lunch when noticed that I could hear Baron cleaning his paws on the couch. I thought he was licking our couch and was appalled by his nerve.

Me: Baron lèche le divan (pointing at the infraction)
Daddy: Non, il lèche son jambe
3dub: SA jambe

Well right away I knew something was wrong. Daddy slowly turned to look at my sister and stoped chewing. Tumbleweed rolled across the table. Somebody far away started whistling a slow ballad.
Daddy's eyes narrowed.
My sister sat there with food on her face and played with her spoon like nothing was going on.

Daddy slowly looked down at his food and was mumbling something about:

"mumble, mumble, how dare she, mumble, mumble, not even 2 and a half, mumble, mumble, correct her father, mumble, mumble, wait till mom gets home, mumble, mumble, mumble, she'll tell us whose right, mumble, mumble, lost my appetite, mumble, mumble."

Leg in French


At this point Daddy got up and took his dishes into the kitchen.
My sister continued eating, oblivious to Daddy's change in mood.

And the shocker was that neither one of them cared that the damn dog was still licking my couch!!

On Ne Touche Pas Le Penis

We have noticed something as of late. Daddy doesn't quite look the same as us. At first we questioned Maman about the odd appearance of Daddy's vagina. Her response was shocking to say the least...it wasn't a vagina at all.

Now we're not completely sure whether or not Daddy is aware of his...issue. We try to discuss it with him...to begin a dialogue so to speak(we do this usually once a day, sometimes twice). He just seems to brush it off as if it's no big deal and he does not want to deal with it. Our daily brief conversation usually goes something like this:

Us: Daddy a un penis
Daddy: Oui

WHAT KIND OF RESPONSE IS THAT??! If I came out and told you that, "by the way, you're different than everyone else" (that we've ever seen), would your response be, "yeah"?

He must be in denial.
That would also explain his reaction when we first became aware of his deformity.

Us: Daddy a un penis
D: Oui
Us: Vois?
D: No
Us: Touche?
D: No

He wasn't even willing to let us confirm what we saw...definitely denial.

So now it has been impressed on us that this "no touching" rule is actually "written in stone". Daddy took his chisel outside and came back holding a rock with "On ne touche pas le penis" carved into it. He says he is going to mount it in our room and the rule applies until we are 25...WTF???

We definitely need to get Daddy some help.

Marriage Tip Number 95...Debunked

While flipping through some of our favourite flyers looking for deals, we came across this ad:


Now, I don't know about you but Barbie better never complain about a damn thing with a hottie like that around (although we thought he should be mildly insulted that he was on for BOGO half price). Now we understand that, when we eventually get into a serious relationship, one of our big rules is: "Don't try to change him" (I mean, it's even marriage tip number 95 HERE...and this apparently mostly applies if you're married to a 1960's aviator??).

My sister and I have discussed it at length and we have decided that Barbie has disproved this little piece of wisdom. We think that "Don't try to change him" is bunk (pardon the strong language). Witness:


This is Ken from 1961 (we know that some of you are judging the author for doing so much research into Ken and we have been told that the author is not ashamed).
In a mere 50 years, Barbie has managed to take this hillbilly (who comes with a shotgun) and turn him into the babe-magnet you see above. We submit to you that there is only one way that Barbie could have accomplished this. A systematic breaking down of his psyche through nagging, subliminal messages during his sleep (as well as possibly some physical torture) and then re-building his mind the way she wanted it...we applaud you Barbie. We hope to follow in your footsteps. Now, the only issue is:





If they guy is going to look the way he does now, we feel that he deserves genitals at this point...I mean, why look and dress like that with no pay off?

Oh The Horror

We are going to write about this incident in the hopes that others can learn from it. We understand the embarrassment that could come along if this is read 10 years from now but we want to make sure that other toilet-training children know what they are in for.

These were the early days of learning to spend time around the house without diapers. They were dangerous days. My sister was more willing to test these waters than I was (the brave soul). One dreary day, while alone with Maman, my sister says she has to use the bathroom. We have a lovely Dora potty (picked up cheap on Facebook, of course) and so she heads over there and sits down to do her business. Like a good girl, she completes her business...and this is where things went wrong.

She decided that she wanted to look...

Daddy still proclaims to this day that he doesn't know why someone would insist on taking a gander at their own 'caca'. Maman usually just rolls her eyes and reminds him that we are 2 years old and that logic doesn't apply here (nor does common decency apparently).

She wanted to look and, after being cleaned up, she turned around and stared into the Dora pot. Almost immediately, you could see the regret spread across her face and she burst into tears. She runs across the floor and throws herself, sobbing, into Maman's arms. Poor thing.

You know how in horror films how we sit there watching someone open a door that 95% of the world knows better than to open. Well that's what happened to me in this situation. I saw my sister's reaction and decided that I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. So I make my way past my mother who is comforting my sister (still wailing) and peer into the Dora pot...

I must have blacked out at that point because the next thing I know, I'm in my mother's arms, right next to my sister and we are both inconsolable.

I can't be sure but I thought for a second that my mother was laughing at us. Of course, that wouldn't make sense in our time of need so I must be mistaken in that recollection.

I guess there is a reason that most people don't stare at freshly dropped deuces. A lesson that my sister and I have both learned...the hard way.

The Neighbouriest Neighbour (part 1)

If only Mr. Rogers lived next door. Our neighbours are...interesting. On the one side is our boy P. P says hi to us and seems to be friendly but also seems to be very...how should we put this...concerned about his finances.

On the other side is, D, one of the strangest dudes we've ever met. Granted, we are just approaching the two-and-a-half year mark of our lives but we like to think of ourselves as somewhat worldly. If you don't want to take our word for it, our Dad thinks he's got some screws loose...

When D wants to talk with us, he usually opens the gate, strolls through our backyard and walks up onto our deck so that he can knock on our glass doors. Not sure what is wrong with our front door but I guess if you are one step away from going postal, people just let you do what you like (Daddy says, "If the psycho dude wants to let himself in so that he can give us a tomato, who am I to correct that type of behaviour?"...We're starting to think Daddy might be a bit of a coward...).

Usually when Mommy bakes things, she'll send a plate over to D's house since he's in his 60's and his mother, who also lives there (another 'indicator'), is in her 80's or 90's. Last year, when Mom left some lemon muffins on his porch, the following conversation was had:

D: You didn't leave those muffins for us did you?
Mom (with big smile): Yes, I did. Did you like them?
D: I hope you didn't make those?
Mom (smile wavers for a second): Yes, I did...
D: Oh, I didn't touch them...they didn't look very appetizing

Who is so socially inept that they say something like that? We've decided that we are on Daddy's side about this one. The crazy socially inept neighbour can knock on whatever door he likes and we won't say a darn thing about it...

And if things go awry one day (if the steps up the back deck are out of service and he just loses it), we want you all to know that we love you (On vous aime :)