Our dad has a talent. Granted, it is an obscure talent but one he is proud of, nonetheless. First, you need to go get an exercise ball. We'll wait while you do this...
Okay, now sit on the ball and start bouncing at about 2 bounces per second. Now try to sing "You Are My Sunshine" without having your voice waiver with the bounces. Go ahead, we'll wait...
Listen to yourself...sounding like Aaron Neville with a stutter. (holy does that guy waiver his voice)
My dad does it with the smoothest of voices. In fact...yes, we'll say it...he sounds like an angel.
We must truly be his sunshine if he has perfected such a difficult art.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Daddy's cramps
Daddy says that we aren't funny enough for him to record things (what a jerk). He says that he's not sure whether he should type what we have to say for us if it is not super funny. He is typing our latest now so it should be up soon.
We are sorry for his insolence and we will have him placed in a burlap sack and beaten with reeds.
We are sorry for his insolence and we will have him placed in a burlap sack and beaten with reeds.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Eliciting a reaction from Daddy
Daddy is an extremely reserved individual. He smiles for us all the time but actually getting an audible, sincere laugh is a tough go. I've seen him give the 'half-smile-sort-of-grunt' in order to placate people that think they made a funny but the full on laugh is a rare occurrence indeed.
We asked daddy what makes him laugh out loud and his list was kind of odd for such an intelligent person. He says that one of two things needs to happen:
1) It has to be extremely clever
or
2) He must be very tired
If he is tired, unnecessary swearing and over-reactions are hilarious.
What is over the top, you ask?
In Airdrie, Alberta, in January, police officers responded to a report from the Ralph McCall Elementary School that a man was standing in the yard yelling with a portable loudspeaker toward a group of frolicking kids, calling, "Girls in the field, come over to my truck, come pet my dog." When alarmed adults nearby approached him, the man quickly got in his truck and took off. [CTV (Calgary), 1-29-09]
He also likes when people 'out' themselves and accidentally reveal just how stupid/horrible they are. Daddy also seems to find indignant people (who are indignant because they got caught and not because they are falsely accused) to be quite amusing...throw in the rage and calling someone a bloodsucker? Well that's pure comedy gold, right there.
In March, a Georgia state senator proposed punishment for the 22 members of the legislature who either owed back taxes or had failed to file returns for at least one year since 2002. The 22 were not identified, in compliance with privacy laws, but the Senate's Democratic leader, Robert Brown, outed himself as one of the 22 in the course of calling his scolding colleague a "bloodsucker."
News of the Weird...one of Daddy's favourite sites
We're not sure if we want daddy's sense of humour or not...for right now, we'll stick with high pitched voices, big facial expressions and bouncing around.
We asked daddy what makes him laugh out loud and his list was kind of odd for such an intelligent person. He says that one of two things needs to happen:
1) It has to be extremely clever
or
2) He must be very tired
If he is tired, unnecessary swearing and over-reactions are hilarious.
What is over the top, you ask?
In Airdrie, Alberta, in January, police officers responded to a report from the Ralph McCall Elementary School that a man was standing in the yard yelling with a portable loudspeaker toward a group of frolicking kids, calling, "Girls in the field, come over to my truck, come pet my dog." When alarmed adults nearby approached him, the man quickly got in his truck and took off. [CTV (Calgary), 1-29-09]
He also likes when people 'out' themselves and accidentally reveal just how stupid/horrible they are. Daddy also seems to find indignant people (who are indignant because they got caught and not because they are falsely accused) to be quite amusing...throw in the rage and calling someone a bloodsucker? Well that's pure comedy gold, right there.
In March, a Georgia state senator proposed punishment for the 22 members of the legislature who either owed back taxes or had failed to file returns for at least one year since 2002. The 22 were not identified, in compliance with privacy laws, but the Senate's Democratic leader, Robert Brown, outed himself as one of the 22 in the course of calling his scolding colleague a "bloodsucker."
News of the Weird...one of Daddy's favourite sites
We're not sure if we want daddy's sense of humour or not...for right now, we'll stick with high pitched voices, big facial expressions and bouncing around.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
STAND UP!
Our daddy says that we are not perfect. He says that nobody is. We said, "Daddy, what about you, though?". To which he replied, "No, my lovely ladies...not even I am perfect."
When we had finished crying, he explained that everyone makes mistakes. We will be able to tell the really good people in this world by who takes responsibility for their mistakes (and tries not to make them again).
Despite being such a passive, non-aggressive and non-violent person, Daddy says that if we ever meet Toronto MP Olivia Chow, that we have his blessing to "cuff her upside her dumb head". According to her, it must be someone else's fault that her mother isn't fluent in English:
My mother's not very fluent in English but she makes a very good citizen. She's been in Canada since 1970 but she had to work in a hotel for many years to raise her family, even though she was a school teacher," Chow said. "Is it her fault her English isn't fluent? No. Does she make a good citizen? Yes, I think so.
Our father has asked us to take responsibility for Ms. Chow's mother not knowing English and we have graciously agreed. He said that we can decide for ourselves whether or not it is even a bad thing that she is a citizen but doesn't know either of the official languages but it is definitely somebody's 'fault'.
So Ms. Chow, we are sorry that we have caused you to not know English fluently and we will try not to make that mistake again. Is that good, Daddy?
When we had finished crying, he explained that everyone makes mistakes. We will be able to tell the really good people in this world by who takes responsibility for their mistakes (and tries not to make them again).
Despite being such a passive, non-aggressive and non-violent person, Daddy says that if we ever meet Toronto MP Olivia Chow, that we have his blessing to "cuff her upside her dumb head". According to her, it must be someone else's fault that her mother isn't fluent in English:
My mother's not very fluent in English but she makes a very good citizen. She's been in Canada since 1970 but she had to work in a hotel for many years to raise her family, even though she was a school teacher," Chow said. "Is it her fault her English isn't fluent? No. Does she make a good citizen? Yes, I think so.
Our father has asked us to take responsibility for Ms. Chow's mother not knowing English and we have graciously agreed. He said that we can decide for ourselves whether or not it is even a bad thing that she is a citizen but doesn't know either of the official languages but it is definitely somebody's 'fault'.
So Ms. Chow, we are sorry that we have caused you to not know English fluently and we will try not to make that mistake again. Is that good, Daddy?
Monday, March 23, 2009
4dub sounds off
My dad thinks he's soooo funny. With all the throwing around, the over-exaggerated faces, the noises (which aren't even English words!) and all the greetings (my God, how many times is he going to say hi to me in one day?).
My sister seems to have found a way to slow that smug bugger down. I have been observing closely and here is what appears to be her plan. Now bear in mind that this plan will be executed some time around 8pm (approximately 2 hours after bedtime).
1) Smile at Daddy when he says hi in that high pitched voice that he does
2) Puke on his shoulder (keep smiling)
3) Make little squeeky noises for him
4) Puke on own outfit (now Daddy has to change you)
5) Start to fuss a little bit while being changed (just until he puts a soother in your mouth)
6) Wait until he has finished changing you and has put on "the big bib" (that basically covers your entire front)
7) Puke on one square mm of space that is not covered by bib
8) Completely lose your mind while being changed this time
9) Allow Daddy to calm you down and feign sleep
10) Keep quiet while he puts you in the crib
11) Wait 3 minutes (he will usually be sitting in the chair by then)
12) Screech as if you have been hit with an axe
13) Watch Daddy spring from the chair like he's on fire (try not to giggle out loud)
14) Sit back and enjoy the rocking and bouncing
15) Repeat steps 12 and 13 until Daddy gives up
16) Sleep in Daddy's arms until hungry
After careful observations and note-taking, Daddy loses the "funny-man" act somewhere around step 8. Well done, sister. Well done, indeed.
My sister seems to have found a way to slow that smug bugger down. I have been observing closely and here is what appears to be her plan. Now bear in mind that this plan will be executed some time around 8pm (approximately 2 hours after bedtime).
1) Smile at Daddy when he says hi in that high pitched voice that he does
2) Puke on his shoulder (keep smiling)
3) Make little squeeky noises for him
4) Puke on own outfit (now Daddy has to change you)
5) Start to fuss a little bit while being changed (just until he puts a soother in your mouth)
6) Wait until he has finished changing you and has put on "the big bib" (that basically covers your entire front)
7) Puke on one square mm of space that is not covered by bib
8) Completely lose your mind while being changed this time
9) Allow Daddy to calm you down and feign sleep
10) Keep quiet while he puts you in the crib
11) Wait 3 minutes (he will usually be sitting in the chair by then)
12) Screech as if you have been hit with an axe
13) Watch Daddy spring from the chair like he's on fire (try not to giggle out loud)
14) Sit back and enjoy the rocking and bouncing
15) Repeat steps 12 and 13 until Daddy gives up
16) Sleep in Daddy's arms until hungry
After careful observations and note-taking, Daddy loses the "funny-man" act somewhere around step 8. Well done, sister. Well done, indeed.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
From the desk of 3dub - inopportune clumsiness
I find that my Dad puts me to bed with the same grace and skill that Barack Obama bowls. Barack's Bowling Abilities
Being the smaller sister, I can't quite put myself to sleep yet so that job falls to my loving parents. When it is Daddy's turn, he seems to do a perfectly fine job of getting me to sleep with the rocking and the bouncing but then he tries to put me in the crib. One of four things is bound to happen at this point:
a) he will sneeze and my eyes will pop open (he takes a deep breath and goes back to bouncing and rocking)
b) he will hit his elbow on the crib (or my head on the mobile)...my eyes pop open and he takes a deep breath and goes back to bouncing and rocking
c) his hand will slip just before I'm completely down (my eyes pop open and he takes a deep breath and goes back to bouncing and rocking)
d) he won't even get anywhere near the crib before kicking my chair, causing the toys on the chair to rattle. This event will have two serious consequences. One: my eyes will pop open. But the second (and I contend, more dire effect of this action): my sisters eyes will pop open. At this point, Daddy becomes a very religious person with a lot of talk about Jesus Christ and people doing things for God's sake. This is followed by much muttering and head shaking.
When these 'rare' events occur, Daddy will begin pleading with us to go to sleep; telling us how exhausted he is (even though it is 7:45pm). At this point, Daddy will usually bump the chair again ("for good measure"). Mommy will enter the room shortly after this and politely ask Daddy not to use "those words" around us.
I suspect Daddy is getting older and clumsier with each passing day.
Being the smaller sister, I can't quite put myself to sleep yet so that job falls to my loving parents. When it is Daddy's turn, he seems to do a perfectly fine job of getting me to sleep with the rocking and the bouncing but then he tries to put me in the crib. One of four things is bound to happen at this point:
a) he will sneeze and my eyes will pop open (he takes a deep breath and goes back to bouncing and rocking)
b) he will hit his elbow on the crib (or my head on the mobile)...my eyes pop open and he takes a deep breath and goes back to bouncing and rocking
c) his hand will slip just before I'm completely down (my eyes pop open and he takes a deep breath and goes back to bouncing and rocking)
d) he won't even get anywhere near the crib before kicking my chair, causing the toys on the chair to rattle. This event will have two serious consequences. One: my eyes will pop open. But the second (and I contend, more dire effect of this action): my sisters eyes will pop open. At this point, Daddy becomes a very religious person with a lot of talk about Jesus Christ and people doing things for God's sake. This is followed by much muttering and head shaking.
When these 'rare' events occur, Daddy will begin pleading with us to go to sleep; telling us how exhausted he is (even though it is 7:45pm). At this point, Daddy will usually bump the chair again ("for good measure"). Mommy will enter the room shortly after this and politely ask Daddy not to use "those words" around us.
I suspect Daddy is getting older and clumsier with each passing day.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Parts on a pick-up truck
My dad is thinking of going into business. He says he wants to make shirts that say:
I'M WHITE TRASH... on the front
and
CHECK OUT MY MULLET on the back.
Mullet Junky Website (this whole site is awesome...especially the child and albino sections)
Either that or he will sell those testicles that rednecks hang from their hitch. He claims both ideas attract the same customer base.
Mommy tried to tell Daddy that he shouldn't try to profit from the misfortune of others. It was at this point that we were asked to leave the room but we listened at the door...Daddy told Mommy that he was going to buy her some BumperNuts for her car but it would be a surprise and it would involve her getting a teabag...
We don't know how it will be a surprise now that he has told her about it...and what the hell does tea have to do with any of this??
Daddy says that if we promise not to date a mullet or a guy with bumper nuts, we can have all the money he makes off his new venture for our college fund (YAY!!!)
I'M WHITE TRASH... on the front
and
CHECK OUT MY MULLET on the back.
Mullet Junky Website (this whole site is awesome...especially the child and albino sections)
Either that or he will sell those testicles that rednecks hang from their hitch. He claims both ideas attract the same customer base.
Mommy tried to tell Daddy that he shouldn't try to profit from the misfortune of others. It was at this point that we were asked to leave the room but we listened at the door...Daddy told Mommy that he was going to buy her some BumperNuts for her car but it would be a surprise and it would involve her getting a teabag...
We don't know how it will be a surprise now that he has told her about it...and what the hell does tea have to do with any of this??
Daddy says that if we promise not to date a mullet or a guy with bumper nuts, we can have all the money he makes off his new venture for our college fund (YAY!!!)
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Another day in paradise
Our father wants us to be "strong, confident girls". He believes that sports will help us toward this goal...well this and his tidbits of wisdom and advice.
Daddy says that we should just be ourselves, no matter what anyone else thinks. He says that if you like some of Phil Collins' songs then we should listen to Phil whenever we feel like it. And even if our friends in high school find our Phil Collins cassette tape and they decide that it must mean that Phil is our favourite musician in the world so they start buying us Phil memorabilia and making many comments about how they "wish it would rain down on me", we should hold our heads high. Excuse me, we are getting a bit emotional about this...
We try to convice him that we are going to be strong-willed ladies and that's just the way it is. But he wants us to think twice about everything and keeps making references to Phil Collins so we just back away slowly and smile...
Intro from 3dub and 4dub
So, our father tends to rant and rave to us. Expounding on his insightful views and unfathomable knowledge. He claims that it is because we are such good listeners but we just think that nobody else listens to him.
Thinking that it may be amusing to get these thoughts on record, we have started this blog. Incidentally, he thought it was a good idea since there is, no doubt, a movie in the making about his life (starring either Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise...he's "not picky") and how can he possibly be expected to remember all the superb things that he has said over the years?
And so our first foray into the written world begins. Who knew a few short years ago that a man's love for a woman (combined with a scientist, a barca-lounger and some magazines with fascinating articles) would lead us here.
We hope you enjoy.
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