And then the big brown shark came...

I swear to you, I couldn't believe any of the events from this evenings bath. First of all, my sister crapped in the tub...AGAIN. I don't know how many times Mommy and Daddy are going to let this happen before they put their foot down and decide that this is not acceptable behaviour. I mean, get her a cork or something. Honestly, who craps in the tub? Even dogs know better than to go to the bathroom in their cage. They are stuck in there and have good enough sense not to drop a deuce where they have to spend more time.

And not only does she crap in the tub, she always does it from a standing position. I don't know how she manages to avoid those turds hitting her calves but it always drops straight into the water. (I'm pretty sure I got some of the plop-splash-back in my eye once but as soon as there's poo in the water, nobody cares about poor me with poo-droplets in my eye).

So tonight's log hits the water and the three whistle blasts ring out so we have to clear the tub. Out of nowhere, Mom's hand reaches over, GRABS THE TURD, and asks Daddy to open the toilet. Needless to say, Daddy doesn't open the toilet right away, as he is standing there dumbfounded. He can't believe that she has voluntarily picked up a piece of shit (excuse the language but it was a shocking moment). Daddy lets out a little retch as he opens the toilet and tries to block out the intentional fecal contact that has occurred in front of him.

Now, in Mommy's defence, she says that it was easier to do that then clean it up after the water has softened it into mush and you can't even pick it up anymore.
Of course, two more 'brown sharks' came during this time (which were damn hard to see because of all the bubbles) so we just got the hell out of there and hoped they would just go down the drain.

This kind of nonsense need to stop, people.

And so it grows...

This may very well be the best thing I've watched in years...
And so I begin to emulate my new idol. Honey, get rid of the scissors...

Dickhead

Daddy has asked our opinion and we are somewhat hesitant to give it to him. After all, the vocabulary that he used when raising this issue was what Mommy normally refers to as "sailor talk".
We understand the need for warmth. We have also heard rumors of the head losing up to 75% of one's body heat...THAT'S THREE FREAKIN' QUARTERS OF YOUR HEAT FOR GOD'S SAKE!! (that's more than 7/10 but less than 4/5 to put it in simpler terms...)
Now here's Daddy's problem when dealing with heat loss through his huge noggin...

He thinks that his head looks like a penis when he wears a toque. Okay, it's out there. He comes to us with hat after hat asking if his head looks like "the little fireman" (whatever the hell that means). We try to reassure him that everything is fine but he's just such a prissy little girl that we eventually just roll our eyes at him and give up. He usually just ends up crying himself to sleep with his penis-shaped head resting on his fancy water pillow...pansy...

Everybody with a tight toque on looks like a dickhead...get over it...conserve your warmth...avoid hypothermia at all costs (that shit is dangerous!!).

The Crappiest Blog Ever - part 2

As retribution for what my father refers to as "the beginnings of my rage", he asked my sister and I to exact some form of revenge for, what he perceives were, "unforgivable slights". In other words, he wanted mom to touch poo for not helping him when my sister crapped on him.
Now I appreciate fair play as much as the next person but intentionally causing fecal contact? That's going a bit too far in my books...my sister reads different books, however. She reads books that describe how to break through, what I thought were, impenetrable locks. My sister figured out how to remove her diaper!!!!

We are both lying down in our cribs as Mommy leaves the room. We're both a bit drowsy so we are quiet and eventually, 4dub says, "Hey, sis! Look what I did...". I crawled over to the side of my crib and what do I see? She is holding one side of her diaper open.
"HOW THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT???", I "loud whisper".
She just gives me this coy look as if she's not going to give away her trade secrets. At this point she says, "You should see what I did in here...it's gross". And she goes to undo the other side of the diaper.
Now, I knew full well what she was talking about but I didn't want any part of it so I just lay back down and pretended to sleep while she went about her business.
Twenty minutes later, when Mommy enters the room because of the ruckus being made by my sister, her eyes nearly pop out. Mommy utters something along the lines of, "WTF???".
Then her ninth cranial nerve kicks in and Mommy is leaning over in the middle of our room making some pretty gross heaving noises. I don't know if you've ever seen someone retching while trying to clean turd off walls, bedsheets and little girls, but this is the scene that I was forced to witness that day. My 'distinguished' sister had crapped in her diaper, removed it and rolled around for a while.
Now, we have never openly discussed this incident but I firmly believe that this was done in order to gain favour with our father. I don't know if it worked or not but from that day to this, he keeps calling her "favy" and giving her extra bananas and raisins...

I think I might have to do my part and hire a monkey to fling poo at Mom one day just to balance the scales a bit...