A man of the 21st century

We would like to say that we are firm believers in the evolution of Man. That is, we like the change we have seen amongst the males in our country since we were little (ha ha ha...since we were little...man we're funny). Anyway, from what we have seen from movies and all the old tv shows that we watch, it is apparent that the "man of the past" would rise early, work hard all day at some physically strenuous job, maybe pull a bullet out of his own arm, come home expecting his "damn" dinner to be ready, perhaps watch the news or read a paper, then give the wife some lovin' and hit the sack ready to start again the next day. Now if you'll take note, nowhere in this schedule was the phrase "plays with his children who love him dearly". We cannot stress enough how much we appreciate the modern man's involvement in the lives of his offspring...his future, shall we say.
So as this modern man has 'softened' in his role with his family, we think that it is completely natural for him to 'soften' a bit in other areas as well. We will not begrudge any man for a whimper or two after having some vigorous work done around the head and neck area (which are extremely sensitive areas, might we add). Now if this man were to be 'mildly' complaining two days after this so called "deep tissue massage", we say, "Kind sir, dry your tears and we will still love you". We understand that if you are not used to that kind of thing, that yes, there may be some discomfort associated with this type of treatment.
Keep your chin up, you fabulous Modern Man, you are exactly what this world needs :)

Editor's note: there have been no headaches at all since said massage was administered...and I was not bloody crying...

The Main A-track-tion (part 2)

Again...find your closest friendly Australian to read this for you. Please, for the love of god, don't sit and listen to an angry Aussie read this...it will ruin the whole experience.



Welcome back! Once again, we find ourselves looking to the train tracks in the hopes of seeing some of the wild life that tend to frequent these parts. There is quite a bit more space out there now that Travis' den tragically burned to the ground, which allows more room for these Orangevillians to partake in the favourite past-times of young Orangevillians (drinking and cursing).
Shhhhh! We can hear them coming from quite a ways away! Oh my, we are very lucky on this night. Though, we can't see them, I think it is probably best that way.
It sounds like we get to listen to the interaction of two males who, if my guess is correct, are plastered out of their skulls. What a treat!
Now, in typical teen drunk fashion, they seem to have found great amusement in bashing something. Sounds like they may be doing something very productive (hitting the train tracks with a piece of wood). Keep at it you determined, future-leaders of our world...you'll get through that track eventually.
Oh no, now they've gotten bored and it looks like our fun is done. But wait! Now they are shouting at each other. Hmmmm, that's interesting behaviour. The are using what seems to be 'little girl' voices. This is rare indeed. Now one of them is screaming like a little girl, "don't touch me, don't touch me". Definitely interesting to witness a teenage male like this. Now he's running and shouting.
Not to be outdone, the other male has given chase. It seems that the other male has a bit more speed. Oh wow, now that is inappropriate. The first male has stopped screaming like a girl and declared, "man, you're fast. FAST LIKE A HOMO!" and then run off laughing like a moron.
Well, they've run off to the other end of tracks out of our view now. What a fantastic experience. Stay tuned for next time. Who knows what can happen when drunk Orangevillians are given some space and some train tracks!

Exaggeration and Sportsmanship

Daddy has decided on two things.
One: we will win or lose with grace and sportsmanship
and Two: we will loathe media that use ridiculous sensationalistic tactics (we had to look that one up in a dictionary part way through daddy's rant)
So the headline is:

"Hockey player nearly decapitated"

Pretty catchy headline, eh? (<----we're Canadian girls). Makes you think that somebody really got messed up...perhaps there's some blood or an exposed organ or two? Maybe we get to see somebody unconscious (or at least in a semi-conscious state). Those media bastards and their over exaggerated headlines...

That is the most boring "almost decapitation" that we have ever seen. Granted, we haven't seen that many...yet...but our father watches some pretty violent movies and he said that as far as decapitations go, this one "sucked ass" (at this point mommy asked him not to use that language around us).

That being said, how the hell was this asshole (sorry, mommy...we learned it from daddy), allowed to keep playing unharmed by the rest of his team. What kind of dick takes a swing at his own goalie's head with a piece of wood. His team should have given him the beating of a lifetime and sent him home on a stretcher.

Our daddy says that if we lose, we will shake our opponent's hand, tell them they played well, and wish them good luck in their next match. He also got a bit carried away and said that it would be up to us to beat down any of our teammates that act like this turd. We're not really sure if our dad should be encouraging us toward violent behaviour but he assures us that it is warranted in some cases. And so we train so that we will be able to dish out a thrashing when needed...

The Main A-track-tion (part 1)

Please read with an Australian accent or have an Australian read it aloud to you.
Sample accent:

Now, as we look from the safety of our parents bedroom, we can see the train tracks out back. These tracks seem to attract a lot of the local wild life. If we just wait for a bit, once the sun has gone down, perhaps we may see one of the native Orangevillians in its natural habitat.
OOOOOh! Look at that! It's 2am and our patience has paid off. It seems the police have come to chat with one of the more rambunctious males of the group. He has tried to make a den in that abandoned railway building out back...he's even dragged a couch in there (must be a strong specimen). He seems to be resisting the officers' efforts to enter his den. Perhaps we'll get to see them have to "put him down". The officers are becoming more agitated that they can't gain entry. Now they are kicking at the door. It must be made of some kind of super strength polymer or something. As they continue to shout at the male to open the door, he seems to be able to just completely ignore them...we suspect that perhaps someone has fed this young buck something he shouldn't have ingested (alcohol or pot are our closest guesses). Oh, wait! It seems that it is now responding to the officers...

Cop: Open this door!
Male Orangevillian (MO): unidentifiable mumbling
Cop: Open this door, right now! This is the police!
MO: unidentifiable mumbling
Cop: What is your name?
MO: unidentifiable mumbling
Cop: TRAVIS! What the fuck are you doing?!!!! Open this fucking door, right now!

Now, I'm not one to jump to conclusions when it comes to the behaviours of these natives but it seems that the police are familiar with this Travis. As they take him away, we can't help but wonder when we might get to see such a creature in its natural environment again...

(Ed. Note: Travis's den burned to the ground a few weeks after our episode. It was quite a large blaze and extremely hot. We watched from our same perch in the bedroom. We suspect the grouchy neighbour of setting the blaze but this is pure speculation.)

Stuffing An Octopus In A Mesh Bag

Our doggy has a sprained 'ankle'. We're not really sure how a dog sprains an ankle but it happened. Mommy took him to the vet and $315 later, he has some anti-inflammatories.

One of the highlights of our day is watching daddy try to give D'Brick his medication. First of all, because dogs aren't the most cooperative patients at the best of times but also, the medication came in liquid form. Have you ever tried to give 1mL of liquid to a dog? It's a bit ridiculous, with the tongue fighting you and his mouth closing and the head turning every which way. You practically need a canine straight-jacket just to get to his mouth. Then you need a dentist's "keep-your-mouth-open" tool and then a tongue depressor to keep that unnecessarily long tongue out of the way.

So we sit and watch daddy fight to get the boy's mouth open and then to get the syringe that came with the medicine past the freakish tongue and then to hold it there long enough to get all the contents into his mouth. It seems to be some what of an ordeal and we just laugh and laugh...daddy's such a spaz.

Spider 'coon - a poem

Twas a night in the summer, when the weather was mild
Not a creature was stirring, not even a crying child (not for another couple weeks, anyway)
The garbage and compost were on the back deck
And one could hear down the street the sounds of a redneck
He's revving his engine while parked on the lawn
And listening to Iron Maiden until well past dawn
Daddy was dreaming of what's always on his mind
And thanks to the river, he got three of a kind :)
Of course mommy was there, sitting just to his right
And in that lingerie, she looked outta sight!
At this point the dream world started to shatter,
'Cause in the backyard there arose such a clatter.
Some damn varmint was messing with daddy's trash
He was heading out to put a stick up its...bum
That cursed raccoon heard my dad's angry call
And decided his escape route was up the house wall.
He soon realized he was five feet in the air
And without any wings, he climbed down from there.
The next escape plan seemed to fare just as bad
As the compost raider couldn't escape my dad
Down the side of the fence that 'coon started to climb
Of course he'd regret that move in due time
You see that deck is way up high off the ground
And dad had a hockey stick and compost all around
With a poke of the stick, Spider 'coon fell to the ground
And by the time daddy looked, he was nowhere to be found.
"Curse you, Spider 'coon", daddy cried into the night
And then shoveled rotting food until just before first light.

New for the Ipod! Get it now before it's sold out!!!

WTF??? Sometimes, you come across something so utterly ridiculous, that all you can do is laugh that somebody had the gall to do it. We submit to you, the Apple corporation. Who, with all their billions of dollars for research, couldn't predict people's reaction to...wait for it...

Baby Shaker

This wonderful Ipod application gives you the opportunity to kill a baby :)
You know you want to but you can't do it in real life so when your little digital version starts crying, the only way to stop it is to give it a good vigorous shake. After a while, the baby will stop crying. Not only that, for your added bonus, red X's will appear over the baby's eyes for you!!

Please enjoy responsibly. We at Ipod, encourage you to stretch thoroughly before shaking your baby in order to avoid pulling a muscle. Also refrain from drinking alcohol while shaking your baby as the weight transfer of your baby may upset your already tenuous sense of balance and cause you to fall over and spill your beer.